Bible Story Time #1: Simeon and Levi Slaughterhouse McClane

Hey Myke?


Tell me a weird bible story.

Hmm, Ok. Here’s an odd one.

So, way way back Jacob, of fur on the arms fame, is chilling in Canaan with his sons and his daughter Dinah.

One day, one of the Canaanite dudes sees Dinah and think’s to himself, she’s pretty. So he does the forbidden cha cha with her, non consentually. Which is a big no-no.

Simeon and Levi find out and they are super mad. And then the Canaanite dude, we’ll call him Steeeve, has the audacity to ask his daddy to negotiate a marriage between himself and Dinah.

The sneaky sneaks known as Simeon and Levi say, sure let’s all inter marry, it’ll be awesome!


We’re all circumcised, and youse guys ain’t. Fix that first, and we mean every dude’s little dude. Snip Snip.

Steeeve and his dad go back and all the dudes do the deed.

Now, while all of the dudes:
were chillin’ out maxin’
relaxin’ all cool,
a couple of dudes
that were up to no good
started stabby stabbing’
up the neighborhood

And Simeon and Levi went McClane on the Canaanites and stole all their stuff.


Granted Jacob was beside himself and didn’t bless them and they didn’t end up getting an inheritance, and when Jacob is dying he pretty much curses them.